The Mike Says...
Friday the 10th of July 2009
Attention Models in Cover Girl Commercials!

Don't talk. No. No. Just don't talk. That hole in the front of your face? That's not for making noise. It's for smiling. You've been hired for your face and body, not your voice.

You're probably asking “Why?” and that's bad because it means your talking. Don't talk.

Now look, I have to put up with the bullshit of your damn commercial, which isn't your fault, I know, but since I'm not buying Cover Girl cosmetics, then you can only be presented to me to jerk off to. And porn doesn't talk.

What's that you say? “That's disgusting?” Don't talk.

Now I'm a practical man, and this is something you're just going to have to face. Most men aren't watching you on the flat-screen because they're interested in your product or even your personality. You are a mannequin, a poster, the pretty Donna Reed chained to the stove. You're beautiful and sexy in that sushi wrap gold dress, which is where meat belongs. I have to blow off a little steam here so could you PLEASE shut up so I can masturbate in peace! It's bad enough I have to deal with your sponsor's bullshit, I hardly want to deal with YOUR issues, too!

So, I reiterate: Don't Talk.

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