Last Wednesday, Mandra and I had a fight, and she left. As in, I haven’t seen or heard from her since. Left. I didn’t know she could leave, cuz she’s in my head.
Back when I was 12 or 13, I got really lonely, so I started talking to myself. Eventually, the other me took the personal of Mandra, and we’d chatter. The older I grew, the more we talked, and she seeped out every now and then. My Goddess of senses. My other me. My Mandra. She kept me company at night, mostly, when no one is ever around, and I would get the most heart ache. No one really knew, because most people figured Mandra was just a character, or play acting, but no. She was my alternate personality.
So, we got in this argument about if I should date and about my “gynephobia” (Only an excuse, she said.), and on and on. She basically called me a coward, then turned the subject toward herself.
There’s nothing stranger than hearing yourself argue with yourself. After a long debate, at some point of which she had actually gotten mad, she finally calmed down and left. Like, Left out the door left.
I chased after her…I think…and tried to get her to stay, because above all things, I’d be lonely without her, and she said she was only holding me back.
Holding me back…
I can think of things she would say. Like, “Ooo, I like that” or “Isn’t this person exquisite?” But it’s not her voice anymore. It’s not her face. And I miss her, desperately.
Mandra was my friend for almost 17 years. Although I was mad at her for a long time, and seriously depressed after that, I’ve come to realize that I’ve always trusted her judgment, and respected her opinion. I know I’m prolly better off with out her, as she seemed to think.
And god, I miss her so much. It’s like losing your lover. She was literally a part of me.
Good bye, my princess.